Kahlan (tastybanquet) wrote in brandonvedas,

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it's been so long since we've talked. i've missed you. it's funny how i could go so long in between talking to you before and not be this upset about it. because i knew you would always be there to talk to when i was ready. now that i'm really ready to talk though, you're not here. i need to tell you a few things. and i know this isn't going to be easy, so please, just please, bear with me. i pulled up your yahoo profile the other day... again... i keep thinking that since it's still there that so are you. i keep thinking that if i keep pulling it up, one day the button will be lit up with 'I'm Online! Send me a Message!' and i can yell at you for putting us through all of this. but it never will. and it's really not been very easy for me to try to accept this. i'll never again hear that knocking noise and see your name at the bottom of my monitor showing that you're online just like i am at weird hours of the night. it's so much harder not to be able to tell you all of this face to face. the last time we talked on the phone i was disinterested. only paying half attention to what you were telling me. all about yer ex and what happened to your relationship with her. about moving back into your mom's place and how you wanted to get cleaned up and try harder. i wish i would've been listening more. i wish i wasn't ignoring what you were telling me and giving you the 'uh huh... uh huh... really? hmm... thats interesting.' bullshit that i was. they were only words. but they were your words. your words that i'm never going to hear again. i want to be able to remember every last detail of the last time we chatted on yahoo. except there isn't much to remember. we chatted a few minutes but i was too busy. too involved in other conversation to pay attention to you. but it was okay. i would talk to you about it all later. later came too late, brandon. i wish i would've given you more of my time. i wish i could hit rewind and give you more of it now. i wish the time we had would've been better spent. i wish i could've been there for you when you needed it most. just like how you were there for me countless times. you always listened when i was upset. you always gave me good advice. and helped me feel better about everything. you helped me to be okay with how things were and move on with life. i'm having a really hard time moving on this time, and you're not here to help. i called yer cell phone... again. it's disconnected. guess the month to month service plans don't work out when you're not somewhere that allows you to pay ahead for the next months' service anymore. i finally broke down and took you off of my friend' list on yahoo messenger. as much as i want to be able to remember the friendship we had, i can't bear to see you're name there all the time in italics. never to be in bold text again. i've typed out a few emails for you. i just can never seem to hit the send button, though. because i don't think they have web access where you are now. or maybe they do. and thats why you left. i bet they get kickass upload and download speeds there. sitting here staring at the cursor, i know theres nothing else i can say. nothing is going to make this okay. because it's not. i just have to learn to accept it. learn to deal with it. i hope you know how much we all loved you even though we never told you. i miss you brandon. and i wish you were here so i could tell you that.
...gimme a sign amigo, can you tell me? did ya go down laughin when ya finally fell? we had tales to tell and songs to sing... did ya get your horns or did they give ya wings? either works just as well...
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