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Community for Remembering Brandon Vedas' Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Community for Remembering Brandon Vedas

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[01 Jun 2006|03:22am]

sometimes i think if you were still around to talk to that i would be more ok. i am definitely missing something without you.
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[24 Jan 2006|02:39pm]

Can we please be officially against this? If anyone would like to tell this guy to stop exploiting brandon, or leave some sort of comment like that, I'd really appreciate it.

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i miss you [23 Jan 2004|12:33am]

6 comments|post comment

more therapy for me [19 Jan 2004|05:30pm]

well i just discovered this community, which is surprising since i thought i'd already found all of the memorial type things... i still miss you. i still don't know why you did this. i'm still very pissed off. i'm glad we sort of reconciled, fuck, what movie did we go see? I can't even remember anymore. I can't believe it's been a year. You seemed so happy and everything seemed ok... then when i got back I found out. I can't even believe it's been 5 years since we were together. I've had so many horrible nightmares. The worst ones are the ones where you're still alive and just being held captive somewhere, or are just avoiding me. I want to be able to call you. I still call your cell phone number. If someone ever answers that number they are going to get a piece of my mind. All the things I want to yell at you. All the questions I want to ask. I've written you too many letters now. This is just another one. i drove by your house last time i was in town. i even knocked on the door. not that i wanted to talk to your mom or anything... i just thought maybe i could go back in time for a little bit. i miss spencers, don't you? i miss being a stupid fucked up teenager. i wish i hadn't been so angry with you for so long. i'm sorry. please write me back, i miss you.
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[29 May 2003|01:44pm]

Hi Brandon,

You've been really heavy in my thoughts lately and I've dreamed about you twice now. I know I told you that if you could reach me, do it. If you needed to freak me out or sneak in my dreams or maybe just throw me a sign every now and again, that I would do everything I can to be receptive.

Of course, I know I could be dreaming about you because I want to. But ya know.. that's as close to alive as you'll ever be to me again.. and I guess a part of me needs to reserve a little hope every now and again.

I wish I could dream about you without the details of your passing affecting our time together. It's never just you and I drivin' around, listening to Greenday.. like nothing's ever gonna change.

In my first dream, I knew you were already dead. I was terrified, but wanted so badly to just spend some time next to you that I stifled my fear long enough to carry on a conversation with a ghost.

Last night, I was so happy that god gave me that extra moment to tell you what would happen. I was so convinced that I could change it all. But you wouldn't listen, you never used to listen. I should've expected as much. And you said "I love ya, Shan" just like you would have if I'd ever needed to hear as much from you. Absolutely non-commital, but strikingly honest. And you said you'd be careful, and you said you'd be okay. But you always used to say that, because you know how mothers tend to worry.

It took so much energy to get to you. I cried so hard before you'd listen. And you knew, we both knew.. by the time I'd gotten through to you that nothing would change. We both knew that when I woke up, you'd still be gone and I'd be singing Greenday with a broken voice through the lump in my throat that never seems to subside anymore.

It'll never be okay.
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so tell me, what was your wish when you blew out the candles? [21 Apr 2003|02:19pm]

happy birthday, brandon.
i miss you more than you could ever know.
<3 stac.
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[04 Mar 2003|06:00pm]

It occured to me just now that you were one of my best friends for alot of years.. and that even as we began to fall away from one another, I never realized that I would only feel your arms around me, tapping me on the shoulder ("I'm huggin ya.. but I'm hittin ya!") a finite number of times.

I realized then that if I thought really, really hard and could remember every detail I'd know the exact number of hugs that I will ever share with you.

I don't want to count them though.. I don't want to know how many more I should've given.
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[03 Mar 2003|09:47pm]

[ mood | nauseated ]

it's been so long since we've talked. i've missed you. it's funny how i could go so long in between talking to you before and not be this upset about it. because i knew you would always be there to talk to when i was ready. now that i'm really ready to talk though, you're not here. i need to tell you a few things. and i know this isn't going to be easy, so please, just please, bear with me. i pulled up your yahoo profile the other day... again... i keep thinking that since it's still there that so are you. i keep thinking that if i keep pulling it up, one day the button will be lit up with 'I'm Online! Send me a Message!' and i can yell at you for putting us through all of this. but it never will. and it's really not been very easy for me to try to accept this. i'll never again hear that knocking noise and see your name at the bottom of my monitor showing that you're online just like i am at weird hours of the night. it's so much harder not to be able to tell you all of this face to face. the last time we talked on the phone i was disinterested. only paying half attention to what you were telling me. all about yer ex and what happened to your relationship with her. about moving back into your mom's place and how you wanted to get cleaned up and try harder. i wish i would've been listening more. i wish i wasn't ignoring what you were telling me and giving you the 'uh huh... uh huh... really? hmm... thats interesting.' bullshit that i was. they were only words. but they were your words. your words that i'm never going to hear again. i want to be able to remember every last detail of the last time we chatted on yahoo. except there isn't much to remember. we chatted a few minutes but i was too busy. too involved in other conversation to pay attention to you. but it was okay. i would talk to you about it all later. later came too late, brandon. i wish i would've given you more of my time. i wish i could hit rewind and give you more of it now. i wish the time we had would've been better spent. i wish i could've been there for you when you needed it most. just like how you were there for me countless times. you always listened when i was upset. you always gave me good advice. and helped me feel better about everything. you helped me to be okay with how things were and move on with life. i'm having a really hard time moving on this time, and you're not here to help. i called yer cell phone... again. it's disconnected. guess the month to month service plans don't work out when you're not somewhere that allows you to pay ahead for the next months' service anymore. i finally broke down and took you off of my friend' list on yahoo messenger. as much as i want to be able to remember the friendship we had, i can't bear to see you're name there all the time in italics. never to be in bold text again. i've typed out a few emails for you. i just can never seem to hit the send button, though. because i don't think they have web access where you are now. or maybe they do. and thats why you left. i bet they get kickass upload and download speeds there. sitting here staring at the cursor, i know theres nothing else i can say. nothing is going to make this okay. because it's not. i just have to learn to accept it. learn to deal with it. i hope you know how much we all loved you even though we never told you. i miss you brandon. and i wish you were here so i could tell you that.
...gimme a sign amigo, can you tell me? did ya go down laughin when ya finally fell? we had tales to tell and songs to sing... did ya get your horns or did they give ya wings? either works just as well...

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[25 Feb 2003|04:43pm]
[ mood | sad ]

It's been over a month now and I'm still having trouble adjusting to the reality that you aren't here anymore. I keep waiting for that IM, "Hey Shan, lets go get coffee.." I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the reality of never seeing you outside of pictures, of never hearing your voice outside of my own head.

It's been over a month and all I really have to say is that I miss you more and more.

I hope you know as much, wherever you are now.

Everthing's here, I got the pesos and beer.. still ain't no sign of your ghost.

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